Burning down the house
Me. Kitchens. Fire. It's sort of a thing.
When I was 11 and my brother was 10, we came up with a brilliant idea to make crayons in the microwave. My mom's brand new microwave that she had received as a birthday present (this was back in the day when microwaves were new tech and the most kick-ass thing you could get anybody). So on this unsupervised afternoon we put about 10 crayons in a cup and stuck them in the microwave for about 15 minutes.
When I returned to the microwave to check my on my surely awesome candle, I instead found a cup of flames that were threatening the ceiling of the microwave. I quickly grabbed a hot pad and pulled out the flaming cup - just as the ceiling of the microwave was collapsing into a puddle of plastic. Flames shot out the top up the microwave-turned gooey pile and up the wall. Then the potholder that I was using to hold the cup caught fire and I dropped the entire thing in a panic; sending flames shooting across the kitchen linoleum.
My brother and I were able to get the flames out within about 5 minutes, but needless to say, the microwave (and my mom's deposit on our apartment) was toast. I wasn't allowed in the kitchen again until I was about 17.
So that brings us to present day and I've obviously come a long way.
You'd think being a woman who's cooked more than her fair share of meals in her 29+ years would know to not put anything in the top rack of oven under broil and leave it unattended for
After carefully grabbing a cookie sheet filled with 6-inch tall pita-fueled flames, and then rushing to fan smoke detectors on both floors that were screeching like Gilbert Gottfried, I did not give up on dinner and sink into a bottle of wine. Don't get me wrong, there was wine drinking, but dinner also prevailed.
I tossed out the pita charcoal and started fresh with oven-baked tortilla chips. This time I kept a close eye on them in order to prevent further flames. I made some fresh hummus, but I used 1/2 chickpeas, 1/2 cauliflower to save a bit on calories and up the veggie intake.
Worried that this probably wouldn't be classified as a well-rounded dinner by the food police in my head, I decided to add a large salad as well. I put a bunch of thinly shredded, raw kale in a LARGE bowl, added a large heirloom tomato and half an avocado. I then whipped up a quick and ohhh soooo delicious dressing using this fabulous mustard:
I whisked it in with a clove of garlic, some balsamic and some olive oil. I then tossed the whole thing together to get this beauty of a salad.