|This is my "you've got to be shitting me" face that I've been making a lot lately when responding to OKC messages|
Hey all! As a modern single gal - I've been spending a little time on the world wide web trying out this "online dating" if you will. It has been a fun, slightly scary, maddening, and thoroughly interesting experience. I am now, obviously, an expert on online dating after 2 months of OkCupid use and I've decided to put out a few helpful hints for guys who are scratching their heads saying, "man - why aren't these ladies on OKC sucking my dick already?"
1) Hey - why don't you try reading the profile before you send a message?
If someone went through the trouble to fill out their profile, answer all those ridiculous questions (quick: who do you hate more - Hitler or Stalin?) and take a quiz or two (I'm a "Window Shopper" apparently), they did so for a reason. Read the profile. Love Jesus? Maybe don't try to pick up on the Atheist. Hate kids? Don't write to a single mother (unless she puts in her profile that she also hates her kids). Rush Limbaugh fan? Don't try to pick up women who live in Seattle.
2) I know pictures are neat and all....
But seriously, unless we list our favorite hobbies as "being pretty", you may want to try a different approach than, "did you know that you're pretty?" "You have eyes, I like eyes." "BOOBS." I know we don't know each other at all - but if you read tip #1, we put a lot of effort into making more interesting info available for you to comment on. The pictures are up there so that you know that we are real people and it seems to be pretty important to you to know what we look like.
3) I know it's hard to not offer up your expert ranking on the attractiveness of a woman's pictures from most to least attractive - but please restrain yourself.
Also, if you can't help it, and a woman doesn't appreciate your efforts, she will certainly appreciate you telling her that she is mean and will die unloved.
4) Was a woman mean to you?
Did she make you cry? Wow, no adult human has ever been through a breakup and it's very interesting. You should TOTALLY write about that at length in your profile.
5) While most women will not be interested in starring in your "giant-porn fetish" films, you really do need to continue to send random women links to your portfolio and ask if they want to star in your future works.
I'm not being sarcastic at all - that shit is awesome.
6) Do you know what makes you not seem like a serial killer at all? Messages from a totally blank profile with no pictures.
You should also ask really weird questions about someone's profile, like "You work in marketing? I was always wondering - what's marketing?"
7) Nice guys don't have to say they are "nice guys."
They are also not rare, they are not unique, they are not hard find. NICE SHOULD BE DEFAULT people, you don't get awards for nice. I don't want to sleep with you because you are nice. I'm nice too (not really)! MAYBE WE ARE THE LAST TWO NICE PEOPLE ON EARTH, THANK GOD WE FOUND EACH OTHER.
8) Don't ask women which exotic fish they would be - if they were an exotic fish.
9) Hey, Portland guys. I don't know if you are sitting together in a room coming up with these together or not, but I've received like 3 of these all from mid-twenties Portland guys:
"If I owned a coffee shop I would ask for your number since you are dark and hot"
"If I owned a jewelry shop I would give you all of my attention since you shine"
Is this some sort of college assignment? Is this an MRA think tank? Please, get better at this.
10) I don't want to join your marriage.
Do you know how you can know that? Because I put it in my profile. Why did I feel the need to put it in my profile? Because apparently I have a face that says, "I would make a spicy addition to your marriage." Also, how come it's always the guy asking - never the wife? I'm calling bullshit.
11) Don't tell a feminist you want to "take her off the market." We really aren't commodities - it's not sweet, or quaint. It's creepy.
12) Don't ask a feminist if she's too busy "rock climbing and going to parties" to cook dinner for her boyfriend.
The answer is always fuck you.
13) It's an awesome idea to make a music video/commercial about yourself and how awesome your car is.
14) Have you tried sending a message yelling, "WOMAN - LOOK AT MY ART!"?
If you haven't, don't worry - there's a creepy old artist who already tried it and it doesn't work.
15) The following questions should not be answered honestly if you are an asshole:
"Do you think stupid people shouldn't procreate?"
"Do you think nuclear war would be exciting?"
"Do you think women are ever obligated to have sex with you?"
"Do you respect someone if they sleep with you on the first date?"
"Do you think gay people should be allowed to marry?"
"Do fat people make you angry?"
Actually, continue to answer these honestly - we need to know who you are so we can avoid you.
So, in closing let me say this: none of us are special. I'm not special, you aren't special. Don't have a gimmick - a set speech. Don't just dust crop the entire internet with "you're hot, let's fuck." You will get rejected a lot, and then you will be even more sad and angry. Try finding someone you might have something in common with and send a message saying, "hey, we have this in common". No matter how weird you are, no matter what you look like or do for a living or whatever crazy shit you do for fun - there is someone out there for you. Even if you are horrible - there are plenty of other horrible people out there for you. Find that horrible person. Good luck!