Friday, November 15, 2013

FASHION FRIDAY: My Gwynnie Bee Review

Hi Friends!!

I've gotten a lot of requests for a Gwynnie Bee review on my tumblr site and after three months of using the service, I'm finally writing a review.

For those of you who don't know what Gwynnie Bee is, here's a little info:
I like to refer to Gwynnie Bee as Netflix for fashionable, plus size clothes. You go online, pick from HUNDREDS of fabulous dresses, skirts, tops and jackets, and they send them to you in the mail. You wear the clothes for as long as you want, and when you are done, you send them back and they send you more items from your list.

I used this service heavily for 3 months and here are my top 3 items that I rented:

I have never been a big online shopper because I know I'm too lazy to try to get a refund if something doesn't fit or the style isn't right, but this gave me the confidence to really order anything that looked good. I've been exposed to great new brands that I didn't even know existed!

Here are the pros and cons that I experienced from using the service:

  • FIRST MONTH IS FREE. This is the biggest pro of them all. In fact, you probably don't have to read anything else I write below because you can try it free for a month and figure out for yourself if you like it (but please keep reading because I love you).
  • You get to try anything that catches your eye without commitment. Want to flounce around the house all day in a sequined bodycon dress? Have at it! 
  • No laundry! Anybody who knows me knows that the bottom of my laundry pile is where things go to die. There are clothes there that I haven't seen for MONTHS - no lie. Gwynnie Bee does all the washing for you! Just stick it in the bag they provide and mail it in they will do all the work.
  • No postage. Does anybody even remember what stamps look like anymore?
  • Great selection. For real, hundreds and hundreds of items ALL TO FIT MY LOVELY FAT BUTT.
  • Save money on clothes you won't wear longer than a season. I can spend a mint on clothes that aren't staples and that I tire of very quickly. This is a great way to wear a bunch of seasonal clothes at a fraction of the cost that it would take to purchase them.


  • Price. It can seem a bit pricey. I was at the 3 items at a time level for about $90 a month with taxes. It would have been greater value if I had gotten my ass to the post office sooner so I could get new clothes more quickly, but I was averaging about 6 items a month, which means I was paying about $15 per item. Which brings me to the next item...
  • Shipping. While they cover the packaging and the postage, you have to send the clothes back in those blue USPS boxes you see around town. Now I'm an inherently lazy and yet busy person and the closest blue box to my house was at the post office across town and I just really couldn't find the time or will to get there in a timely manner, which slows down your next shipment of clothes.
  • Preference: You can pick dozens of clothes to put in your "closet" and Gwynnie Bee will ship them to you pretty quickly, but you don't seem to have any say as to which of those items they send. Say you have a special event coming up and you want to wear that sparkly deal in your Gwynnie Bee closet - well, you have like a 1 in 12 chance that they will send that one out. The entire time I used Gwynnie Bee I desperately wanted to wear the ASOS floral bodycon dress that was in my closet, but it was never the one picked. They have a helpline that may have been able to help with this but did I mention how lazy I am?
So, there is my review of Gwynnie Bee and I can honestly say that it has been a very fun experience. I seriously have felt like the most fashionable lady on the planet lately. I highly recommend anybody even remotely interested give it a try - ONE MONTH FREE Y'ALL.

Note: This review was in no way sponsored by Gwynnie Bee. I purchased the service with my own money and all opinions stated here are mine.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

There's a Penis On My Backpack

There’s a penis on my backpack. A real one. I need to go to school but there’s this large, black penis lazily resting on my backpack and really don’t know what to do. I am 12, kneeled down in front of this penis like I'm examining a strange leaf or perhaps a weird mushroom. I hesitantly reach for my pink backpack underneath, grimace, pull back and shake my head. “Ugh,” I think to myself as I stare at the 22 year old naked male attached to the penis, “This guy ruins EVERYTHING.”

Charles had already ruined the evening before, at dinner. We had been throwing insults back and forth around the table and it all ended with Charles triumphantly announcing that he had taken a shit and wiped his ass with one of my favorite shirts, but he would never tell me which one. I tried to leave the table to storm off to my room but Charles said it was bad manners to leave before everyone else, so I had to stay.

But after all that had transpired that night, everyone was still fully dressed when I had gone to bed. I didn’t really know what had happened to leave me in my current predicament but the beer cans at the base of the couch were a good clue.  “Who does this??” I thought to myself as I looked at this unconscious, naked man. I started to walk back towards my mom’s room. “Mom.” I said flatly, with as much judgement as I could put into my young voice, “Charles is naked on the couch on my backpack.” But my mom was sound asleep, and the snoring from her sleep apnea drowned out my voice. I thought of shaking her awake and dragging her out to see for herself the person she had let into our lives, but I knew deep down that I wouldn’t enjoy how sad she’d be.

I walked back into the livingroom, quietly picked up the phone, and walked into the kitchen to call Darnesha.
“Darnesha," I whispered.

“What,” she said groggily. It was still a little too early to be heading out.

“Charles is asleep naked on the couch – on my backpack.”

“I’ll be right over.”
 She hung up the phone.

Within 5 minutes my neighbor and best friend was at my door, barely able to contain her excitement at our new adventure. Her eyes slid over to the right and she spied the naked Charles, “oooh….look at that.” She rushed in unzipped her backpack and pulled out a camera.

“What are you doing? You’ll wake him up!” I whispered frantically.

Darnesha was far more savvy than me. She wore eyeliner and new how to gel her hair in a way that looked both pretty and dangerous. She knew what she was doing. “No, he’s passed out, look” and she calmly poked him hard in the thigh. He twitched his leg a little and stayed fast asleep. She got about a foot away from his penis, intently snapping pictures with her little 35mm camera. Then she backed up to get some full body shots. She laughed a little and shook her head.


I laughed a little and then started to cry a bit. “Darnesha, I hate him so much. He makes me want to run away.” I was choking on my words. He ruined everything, my mom, my dinner, my clothes – my whole childhood. And here I was, just trying to go to school, the one place where I was safe and somewhat happy, and he was ruining that too.

Darnesha said quickly, “hey, it’s ok, look.” And she quickly yanked the backpack out from under him and handed it to me. He snorted in his sleep and turned to his side.

I didn’t even want to touch my bag. I took it gingerly by the shoulder straps. My brother came out of his room dressed for school. “Hey, what’s going on?” he asked.

“Shh!!” I said, “Go - go to the bus now.” I didn’t want him to see this. He quickly ran out the door, confused.

I set my jaw in anger. Kids shouldn’t be seeing this, I thought. I looked down at Charles again, sleeping so peacefully.

I unzipped my backpack and pulled out my Washington State History textbook. I aimed for his good eye and threw it as hard as I could. It hit its mark with a hard thud and then bounced onto the floor.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” He jolted up, disoriented. He reached for his eye and I rushed over and grabbed the textbook off the floor and with one quick swing hit him again. The contact of the corner of the textbook with his eyebrow reverberated through my arm.

“Fuck!” He yelled and started to get up.

“Run!” I said quickly.

“Loser,” Darnesha said again as we ran out the door.

We didn’t stop running until we reached the bus stop at the top of the apartment complex. I looked around, he hadn’t followed us.

“Man, that was so awesome! Damn!” Darnesha laughed. She was wide-eyed, amazed.

I laughed at myself, still in a bit of shock. “It was, wasn’t it?” I laughed some more. Then I smiled the biggest smile I’d had all year. I replayed the vision of Charles clutching his eye, naked and hurting and stupid. “God, what a loser, “ I said, and I got on the bus.

Monday, November 4, 2013

30 Days of Natural Health and Beauty

Hi Everybody! I know it's been a little while, and a general update on my life has been long overdue. So let's just jump into it: I feel pretty shitty lately.
I took on a new job at the beginning of the year. I'm really good at it and its a great match for my skill-set but it's RUINING MY LIFE. Here's why:
· Constant travel has me missing my kids like crazy (I'll do a whole post on this later)
· Hotels and airplanes dry the fuck out of my hair
· I'm eating whatever crap I can find on the road
· My fear of flying has gotten a little better while flying, but the stress of weekly flights has ratcheted up my overall anxiety to the point where I'm fighting panic attacks again (haven't had to deal with those since college)
· I have no energy and have completely stopped working out
· I don't have time for emotionally fulfilling projects, like this blog.
So I've decided to stop moping and take some action and I've written out a 30 day Natural Health Challenge:
1) no refined foods
2) As vegan as possible (dairy has me feeling awful)
3) no candy (it's gotten out of hand)
4) 2 alcoholic drinks per week
5) vitamin 2x a day
6) 20 mins physical activity per day
7) natural hair care
8) low manipulation hairstyles
9) natural skin care
10) coffee only 2x a week
11) incorporate a creative task into my week
So I started a few of these early. I've been taking my Alive vitamins for a couple of weeks (they are so great you guys) and I mixed up my hair and body oils a week ago and the difference in my skin has been amazing as you can see in the pic.
Also FUCK THAT COFFEE 2X A WEEK SHIT. Turns out I need that stuff to function.
Now I'm not going to make this list a new source of anxiety for me; if I slip up occasionally I'm going to be kind to myself. I won't be doing any body measurements or weigh ins because I could give a shit about random body numbers y'all. The only measurement of success here is going to be how I feel at the end of the month. I'll post updates along with specifics of what I'm doing for the goals (like my hair and body oil recipe) throughout the month.
So will I be a happier, healthier person at the end of the month or a sugar deprived monster....lets find out!